Real Etiquette: Mandatory DIY?
Dear DIY Bride: My fiance and I have a ton of DIY projects on our list to help save money. If it weren’t for DIY, we wouldn’t be able to have a wedding at all. Our problem is that we’ve asked our bridal party to chip in to help us make some projects. They’re all flaking! We can’t do this without help but our helpers are nowhere to be found on project day. Should we tell them they’ve got to help or they won’t be in the wedding? Neither of us likes threats but …
Our Response: Giving your friends and family an ultimatum to help or be excluded from the wedding party is a sure way to alienate them.
You don’t mention how – or even if – your wedding party was asked to participate in creating things for your wedding. Was it a condition they agreed to when you asked them to be in your wedding party? Were their “duties” clearly stated or did you assume they’d all want – and be able – to chip in?
I understand your predicament with needing to save money, wanting to DIY, and not having the support to do it. An ultimatum likely won’t yield the results you seek so let’s brainstorm better solutions.
1. Make a list of each project on your list and outline each step that needs to be done to complete it. Give a “must complete by” date for each task. Knowing what you need to accomplish and when will help you organize and prioritize.
2. Decide which projects are most important or critical for you and your fiance. Tackle these first.
3. Start contacting your wedding party, your friends, and family and ask all of them if they’d be willing and able to help you achieve your goals. Saying something like “Hey, everyone! Our wedding is xxx days away and we’re needing some helping hands to make it happen. We have x projects to complete for the big day and would appreciate your assistance if you can spare the time. No crafting experience necessary. We’re proving cocktails/BBQ/snacks for our helpers on xx day at our house…” Keep it fun, non-threatening, and in the spirit of sharing in the excitement of the big day.
4. For those that offer their help, show them the list and see what they’re most interested in doing. Schedule a time when they can help if they can’t make it to a “craft day”.
If no one offers help, then you’ll need to scale back your plans or look for alternative help (ask on wedding forums!). Remember: everyone is busy and over-extended these days. Taking time away from school, work, family life, social engagements and their normal “down time” can be quite difficult for your loved ones. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you and want you to have a kick-ass wedding. It means that their life has priority over your crafty ambitions and that’s perfectly ok. It’s your job to scale your wedding to your abilities and budget – there’s no shame in that.
TenThouBride
DEFINITELY agreed. It’s tricky…but some friends are “moving” friends and some aren’t…those friends that will be there on moving day are the only type you can count on to help out with projects…but planning too many projects for you and your partner to complete before the big day without the help of others (worst case) is kind of asking for trouble. Good luck with everything! I hope it turns out well, great answer DIY Bride!
MOH
As someone who has been in several weddings, the bridesmaids are already doing A LOT of work (hosting a bridal shower, planning a bachelorette) in addition to spending a chunk of change (traveling to the wedding, the dress & shoes). Honestly, asking those folks for more is short-sighted, and a little unfair. Everyone wants you to have the wedding you dream of, but it isn’t their job to make it happen!
Designs by iBi
As a bride you must remember that although your wedding day is #1 priority for you it’s not #1 priority in everyone else’s schedule. I recently got married and made sure that I didn’t take people’s conflict in schedule personal. Prioritize your to-do list and you’ll be on your way! And remember if there’s something you don’t finish for the big day – don’t worry – you’ll be focused on being a bride!
Sabrina
i feel like bribery can work wonders. i had dinners and wine nights with my girlfriends when they came over to craft. also, sometimes your friends might feel like if they help with a project it may not come out as good as you would like, so they are nervous about crafting. do your best to make them feel at ease. if you have something that you WANT to be perfect, do it yourself. otherwise, let them help you and do your best not to re-do their work.
Canodiva48
Wow, your wedding is your responsibility. It’s not your friend’s responsibility at all. As someone that was also just in a wedding, I think it’s terribly unfair to put that kind of burden on other people.
Belles on a Budget
I think this is great advice- especially to make it fun! I am a big fan of making it a “party”- bring out a bottle of wine and a batch of brownies and suddenly you have a fun crafty night with the girls rather than a mandatory DIY day. And don’t be afraid to ask beyond the wedding party- look at that guest list and ask your creative aunts/uncles/grandparents, your cousins who love weddings, or your co-workers that want to hear all about the details if they would like to be involved in the DIY fun. And then make sure to offer a big thank you to any of your wedding project helpers- it can be an inexpensive gift or just a really nice note or a batch of cookies- that will show your loved ones how much you appreciate them giving up their time to help you and might make them more willing to sign up for another day of DIY bliss!
FaithB
Gone are the days when the wedding reception was thrown by family and friends of the couple, at the house of your rich great aunt or garden of the neighbourhood farmer and everyone brought a dish. Of course the whole affair was a little simpler then, moved a little slower, and people had more free time. It may just be that your friends do not have a lot of free time to devote to a lot of DIY projects. However, in your guest list there are those that are just waiting to be asked, to be more involved in your special day. They may not be immediately obvious, but they are there. Avoid asking those that have young children, have work/school full time, or other responsibilities that keep them from seeing the fun that can be had. Maybe your friends have retired parents, or bored teenage daughters. Also, talking excitedly about your DIY projects helps to inspire others. Keep the hype up.
Effy
I think you have to remember that your bridesmaids feel like they have put down a lot for your big day already. Financially, it is quite a bit to stand there for a ceremony- dress, shoes, make up and hair. And it does take time from their schedules- bridal showers, bachlorette parties, rehearsel, among some other things- depending on the bride.
This past summer I was in two weddings, and I love the girls who I was there for. One was so care-free, and I LOVED that, in fact, I wanted to help in every way possible. She never asked me for help, but I saw the need, and how much she didn’t want to over burden her ladies. I definitely didn’t want her to do it herself or let her burn herself out, especially before her big day. I was there for her, no questions needed.
Here’s the flip side: I do think you have to remember that, they may have said “yes” to helping you before, but things for them, that are more important to get done, do come up. I know for the other bride, she had a family bridal shower. Unfortunately, I forgot that was the weekend of my brother’s birthday, which I planned and was co-ordinating and I did overbook- which will happen. It was not only the weekend of my brother’s birthday, I had a very important event for work- a fundraiser, which to me is more important than a bridal shower. The bride lived a good hour away from me, and I became very stressed that weekend and I did end up breaking down. I felt obligated to attend the bridal shower not just because I didn’t want to upset the bride, but I didn’t want to upset her mother either.
If you let your girls know that it is not an obligation, and you understand that things do come up, I think they will feel less bothered. You don’t want them to resent you. You want them to be with you. As well, offer to do something for them, remember they are doing a HUGE favor for you. So order in dinner, they will feel appreciated and more than likely they will join you in your DIY. As well ask them what they think they can do- not what you are telling them to do.
Also keep in mind- it was your choice to have your wedding as a DIY so that you and your fiance could get married at an affordable price. It wasn’t your bridesmaids, nor was it the groomsmen. Not that they don’t love you guys, but you can’t expect them to be in your wedding and as well build your wedding.