Real Etiquette: Mandatory DIY?

Posted by Khris in Uncategorized

Dear DIY Bride: My fiance and I have a ton of DIY projects on our list to help save money. If it weren’t for DIY, we wouldn’t be able to have a wedding at all. Our problem is that we’ve asked our bridal party to chip in to help us make some projects. They’re all flaking! We can’t do this without help but our helpers are nowhere to be found on project day. Should we tell them they’ve got to help or they won’t be in the wedding? Neither of us likes threats but …

Our Response: Giving your friends and family an ultimatum to help or be excluded from the wedding party is a sure way to alienate them.

You don’t mention how – or even if – your wedding party was asked to participate in creating things for your wedding. Was it a condition they agreed to when you asked them to be in your wedding party? Were their “duties” clearly stated or did you assume they’d all want – and be able – to chip in?

I understand your predicament with needing to save money, wanting to DIY, and not having the support to do it. An ultimatum likely won’t yield the results you seek so let’s brainstorm better solutions.

1. Make a list of each project on your  list and outline each step that needs to be done to complete it. Give a “must complete by” date for each task. Knowing what you need to accomplish and when will help you organize and prioritize.

2. Decide which projects are most important or critical for you and your fiance. Tackle these first.

3. Start contacting your wedding party, your friends, and family and ask all of them if they’d be willing and able to help you achieve your goals. Saying something like “Hey, everyone! Our wedding is xxx days away and we’re needing some helping hands to make it happen. We have x projects to complete for the big day and would appreciate your assistance if you can spare the time. No crafting experience necessary. We’re proving cocktails/BBQ/snacks for our helpers on xx day at our house…”  Keep it fun, non-threatening, and in the spirit of sharing in the excitement of the big day.

4. For those that offer their help, show them the list and see what they’re most interested in doing. Schedule a time when they can help if they can’t make it to a “craft day”.

If no one offers help, then you’ll need to scale back your plans or look for alternative help (ask on wedding forums!). Remember: everyone is busy and over-extended these days.  Taking time away from school, work, family life, social engagements and their normal “down time” can be quite difficult for your loved ones. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you and want  you to have a kick-ass wedding. It means that their life has priority over your crafty ambitions  and that’s perfectly ok.  It’s your job to scale your wedding to your abilities and budget – there’s no shame in that.

Real Etiquette: How To Ask For Wedding Sponsors

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

Dear DIY Bride: My fiance and I are on a tight budget for our May 2011 wedding. We are considering approaching a local restaurant, DJ, and photographer to see if they’ll consider swap their services for advertising at our wedding. Is there a best way to do this? What advertising is best (mention in our programs, signs displayed on tables)?  [Original question edited for clarity.]

Answer: The short answer is that there’s no way to tactfully ask for strangers to fund any part of your wedding. Etiquette-ly speaking this falls directly into the land of “Do NOT do this” .

The long answer? Nothing makes vendors bristle more than being asked for to work for no pay – and rightfully so. Why do you think these vendors should fund your wedding?  This isn’t a sarcastic question; it’s an honest one. Unless it’s a charity event or you’re a mega-celebrity with huge press coverage at your wedding, there’s really no upside for them. They may get minimal exposure at your event and might get future business but that probably won’t compensate them for what they’re investing which is their time, resources, employee pay, supplies, insurance costs, overhead and reputation.

You can have an amazing wedding on a tight budget and without sacrificing your dignity.  I encourage you to look into things like cutting back your guest list, fun-but-offbeat wedding venues, eBay or second-hand gowns, and potluck receptions (or culinary schools for discount catering) to help save some cash.

Best of luck to you!

Real Problems: Vendor (Dis)Honesty

Posted by Khris in Wedding Planning

Real Problems is a spin-off from our Real Etiquette feature where we discuss real-life problems couples are facing as they plan their weddings. This is our first post in the series.

Dear DIY Bride,

My fiance and I recently met with a baker that we saw at a bridal fair. Her booth was busy on the day we went but we got a small sample of her cake and picked up a brochure that had some beautiful designs done by her company. Fast forward to a last weekend. We met with the cake lady in person. She was friendly and said that she could do all of the things we wanted for our cake. She had some good ideas and was enthusiastic about working with us. Then she handed us a scrapbook of her work.

Most of the cakes were pretty basic. Nothing wrong with that but I wasn’t seeing anything like what we were asking for. What bothers me most is there were a few cakes I recognized from some websites and magazines. I think she just copied and printed on photo paper to make it look like they were real shots of her work. (The reason I recognized one of those cakes is that I tore out the exact page from a magazine for my inspiration board.) To my fiances horror, I called her on it. The cake lady claimed that the magazine copied it from her and that she’s using their shot because it’s better than the one she had. It kinda sounds plausible. What do you think?

Trust your Spidey (bridey?) senses here. If you have reservations about the authenticity of a vendor’s claims, it’s probably best to move on. My understanding of your situation is the cake designer is using photographs of cakes that are not hers and is trying to pass them off as her creations. Yeah, that’s a big red flag.

Also, her portfolio isn’t reflecting the kind of work that you’re wanting. Not all cake designers can do every kind of cake. If she’s promising things outside of her normal skill set, you may want to reconsider. Do you want to be her cake test dummy? Finding out on the day of your wedding that she’s no good at intricate lacework (or whatever it is you’re seeking) is not a good idea.

Still confused? Hop on Google, Yelp and WeddingWire and do a search for your cake lady. It’s pretty easy to find reviews and background info on vendors. If you can’t find any info on her — and if she’s claiming to have done a significant amount of cakes or has been in business for more than a year — please be suspicious and act accordingly. You can also ask for a small sample cake of your design. It’ll cost you some cash but at least you’ll know what you’re in for.

Real Etiquette: Complex Invite Wording

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

Kimberly writes in the following situation:

The bride’s parents are hosting the wedding.  The groom’s mom passed away a few years ago and the groom’s father may or may not be at the wedding. The bride & groom have a daughter together (almost 1 yr old) and the groom also has 5 other kids (2-3 of them will be present @ wedding).

How do they include everyone on the invite as all are especially important to the couple?

Strict etiquette dictates that whomever is hosting the event is included on the invitation. Why? Because you really have no right to send invitations to a party you’re not throwing.

But we Real Etiquette-ettes get where you’re coming from. It’s a family thing. You love ‘em and want them all to feel as though they’re a part of this grand day. No harm in that. The problem here is that you’re wanting to send an invite from 11 people for an event to celebrate 2.

First of all, don’t list everyone’s names on the invitation.

Your best bet is to use family-oriented wording that tells the guests that the bride’s parents are hosting but the immediate families of the bride and groom are involved. However, the best spot for honoring your family is in the text of a wedding program or at the speeches during the reception.

Together with their families

Bride’s Name
and Groom’s Name

request the pleasure of your company
as they celebrate the union of their families

Saturday, the eleventh of May
two thousand and nine
at half past four in the afternoon

Saint Whatever Church
1245 Main Street
Your City, State

Reception to follow

OR

Mr. and Mrs. Jack Smith
request the pleasure of your company
as we bring together our families for a joyous day of celebration
at the marriage of their daughter

Jennifer Smith
to
Lucas Jones

Son of Mr. Mark Jones and the late Elizabeth Jones

Saturday, the eleventh of May
two thousand and nine
at half past four in the afternoon

Saint Whatever Church
1245 Main Street
Your City, State

DIYers, do you have any simple wording suggestions for Kimberly?

Real Etiquette: Soap Favors

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

Dilemma: I want to give handmade soaps as favors to our wedding guests. My fiance says it’s too girly. Would it be bad form to give them?

Our Take: We love handmade soap – but not as a wedding favor. Giving your guests a personal hygiene product is a tricky undertaking without some kind of context. If you’re getting married at, say, an old soap factory it might be a fun tie-in to your wedding day. If it’s a seemingly random bar of soap, many guests are going to question why they’ve been gifted with it (‘Do I stink?’) and I’d expect many would just leave them behind.

If you’re keen on giving your handmade soaps as gifts, they’d be great as shower favors (see?  tie in to a theme!) or to your maids as part of a homemade spa kit.