Emma, whose wedding is just 5 months away, wrote in seeking advice about a very sticky situation:
My mother is ruining my wedding! She and my father are contributing about 1/3 of our budget which (she thinks) gives her total control over our wedding. She vetoed my first choice of wedding gown. She canceled our invitation order so she could “upgrade” our invitations with another company SHE liked better. She keeps adding HER friends (some of her former coworkers she hasn’t seen in more than 6 years) to our invite list and “suggests” cuts we make to our list of friends and my fiance’s family. I’ve confronted her. It got ugly. She threatened to pull all of her money. We can’t get married without it. What do we do?
Dear Emma,
I’m sorry you’re having problems with your mom. Weddings can sometimes bring out the worst in parents with a whole host of unhealthy behaviors bubbling to the surface. Some moms (and dads) have difficulties letting go of their “baby” and subconsciously do things to try to grasp that last bit of togetherness before their child embarks on creating her own family. Some parents use their child’s weddings to relive their own wedding experiences. Some parents simply have control issues. I’m not sure where your mom fits on the WTF, Mom?! scale but there are some major warning signs going on.
Are you ready for some tough love?
That said you “can’t getting married without [her] help” is a huge red flag. You need only an officiant, marriage certificate, and possibly a blood test to get married. Did you mean to say that you can’t have the wedding you envisioned without her cash?
Here’s the deal: you CAN get married without her financial help. You’ll need to buck up and revise your plans, budget, and expectations but there’s no law that states you must have a wedding beyond your means and must get outside financial backing.
You have 2 options here:
1. Refuse her money, take back financial (and emotional) control of your wedding, and revise your plans to something within your financial means. There’s NO SHAME in small, intimate, budget weddings especially when you get to do it with dignity. Delay the wedding, save up some cash, and do it 100% your way if need be.
2. Suck it up and try to negotiate with your mom. Have you calmly told her how important these things are to you and your fiance? Have you pointed out – nicely and rationally – that she’s turning your wedding into it being all about her? Sometimes a frank conversation about damaging actions can be a wake-up call.
I know it’s a tough situation for you BUT, as an adult, you need to be able to look out for your own financial and emotional well-being. Standing up to mom may well be your first act of independence and, really, it sounds like it’s the better option for your sanity and the health of the family you’re creating with your fiance.
