Dear DIY: It’s Our Wedding. Or Is It?

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

Emma, whose wedding is just 5 months away, wrote in seeking advice about a very sticky situation:

My mother is ruining my wedding! She and my father are contributing about 1/3 of our budget which (she thinks) gives her total control over our wedding. She vetoed my first choice of wedding gown. She canceled our invitation order so she could “upgrade”  our invitations with another company SHE liked better. She keeps adding HER friends (some of her former coworkers she hasn’t seen in more than 6 years) to our invite list and “suggests” cuts we make to our list of friends and my fiance’s family. I’ve confronted her. It got ugly. She threatened to pull all of her money. We can’t get married without it. What do we do?

 

Dear Emma,

I’m sorry you’re having problems with your mom. Weddings can sometimes bring out the worst in parents with a whole host of unhealthy behaviors bubbling to the surface. Some moms (and dads) have difficulties letting go of their “baby” and subconsciously do things to try to grasp that last bit of togetherness before their child embarks on creating her own family. Some parents use their child’s weddings to relive their own wedding experiences. Some parents simply have control issues. I’m not sure where your mom fits on the WTF, Mom?! scale but there are some major warning signs going on.

Are you ready for some tough love?

That said you “can’t getting married without [her] help” is a huge red flag. You need only an officiant, marriage certificate, and possibly a blood test to get married.  Did you mean to say that you can’t have the wedding you envisioned without her cash?

Here’s the deal: you CAN get married without her financial help. You’ll need to buck up and revise your plans, budget, and expectations but there’s no law that states you must have a wedding beyond your means and must get outside financial backing.

You have 2 options here:

1. Refuse her money, take back financial (and emotional) control of your wedding, and revise your plans to something within your financial means. There’s NO SHAME in small, intimate, budget weddings especially when you get to do it with dignity. Delay the wedding, save up some cash, and do it 100% your way if need be.

2. Suck it up and try to negotiate with your mom. Have you calmly told her how important these things are to you and your fiance? Have you pointed out – nicely and rationally – that she’s turning your wedding into it being all about her? Sometimes a frank conversation about damaging actions can be a wake-up call.

I know it’s a tough situation for you BUT, as an adult, you need to be able to look out for your own  financial and emotional well-being. Standing up to mom may well be your first act of independence and, really, it sounds like it’s the better option for your sanity and the health of the family you’re creating with your fiance.

Turning Down A Vendor

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

Have a burning question about modern wedding etiquette? DIY Bride answers those perplexing and often sticky dilemmas in our Real Etiquette column.

Dear DIY,

My fiance and I found a vendor we loved and, until last week, we thought we were going to hire her. Long story short we had to cut our budget and can no longer afford to hire this person. I feel bad because we’ve had a lot of back and forth with her and told her we were looking forward to hiring her. How do we let her know we’re not going with her company without seeming like we’ve been stringing her along? – Lisa

 

Dear Lisa,

The best approach is to simply be honest. Contact the vendor and let her know your situation: you’ve had a significant budget cut and can no longer afford the product/services you had been discussing with her. There’s no shame in telling the truth.

Are you cutting out this product/service completely or are you going with a lower-cost vendor? You may be able to negotiate with your favorite for a modified product/service that fits into your new budget. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Real Etiquette: Unwanted DIY Projects

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

This is an interesting contrast to our last R.E. post that dealt with getting people to help with DIY projects.

Dear DIY Bride: My fiance’s aunt is insisting that she make my bridal bouquet. She’s well-known in our family for making silk arrangements. They’re nice but not even close to what I want. How do you suggest dealing with unwanted projects that are being pushed upon you? (Please don’t suggest having her do a toss bouquet; we’re not doing a bouquet toss! Thanks!) — Kayleigh

Dear Kayleigh,

Have you flat out told her “no, thank you” yet? It is my experience that being direct – but gentle – is often the best approach for dealing with helpy helpertons. “Thanks, Auntie, but I’ve already decided on using fresh flowers for my bouquet.” should be sufficient. If pressed for more details be honest but vague. “Fresh flowers are intensely meaningful to me.” “We’ve already found our perfect florist and signed a contract.” Don’t give room for negotiation with statements like “Silk flowers aren’t as pretty as real ones…” Stay firm but be polite as possible. If she ultimately leaves angry, that’s on her – not you or your fiance.

It’s actually lovely that she wants to contribute and in a way that’s meaningful to her. It is your wedding, however, and you get to make the decisions about what you carry down the aisle. In the grand scheme of things this shouldn’t be a big deal but we all know how family politics in a wedding setting can go haywire.

If you’re not totally against the idea of her helping out, I do recommend giving her alternative projects or ways to chip in. How about corsages for the moms and grandmothers? Decorating the guest book or gift tables?  The altar? Guest chairs? Adding flowers to the guest book pen or the cake knife? Decorating the getaway car? Or a faux bouquet for the rehearsal?  There are a multitude of floral projects that can successfully be done with silks without distracting from the fresh florals that you love.

Real Etiquette: How To Ask For Wedding Sponsors

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

Dear DIY Bride: My fiance and I are on a tight budget for our May 2011 wedding. We are considering approaching a local restaurant, DJ, and photographer to see if they’ll consider swap their services for advertising at our wedding. Is there a best way to do this? What advertising is best (mention in our programs, signs displayed on tables)?  [Original question edited for clarity.]

Answer: The short answer is that there’s no way to tactfully ask for strangers to fund any part of your wedding. Etiquette-ly speaking this falls directly into the land of “Do NOT do this” .

The long answer? Nothing makes vendors bristle more than being asked for to work for no pay – and rightfully so. Why do you think these vendors should fund your wedding?  This isn’t a sarcastic question; it’s an honest one. Unless it’s a charity event or you’re a mega-celebrity with huge press coverage at your wedding, there’s really no upside for them. They may get minimal exposure at your event and might get future business but that probably won’t compensate them for what they’re investing which is their time, resources, employee pay, supplies, insurance costs, overhead and reputation.

You can have an amazing wedding on a tight budget and without sacrificing your dignity.  I encourage you to look into things like cutting back your guest list, fun-but-offbeat wedding venues, eBay or second-hand gowns, and potluck receptions (or culinary schools for discount catering) to help save some cash.

Best of luck to you!

Real Etiquette: Appetizer Reception Wording

Posted by Khris in Real Etiquette

Anonymous writes in with this question about the evening meal:

We’re trying to figure out what to serve our guests (170 ppl) at a 4pm reception. Our budget is $1000 for the food. We don’t want our guests to be hungry but we don’t have a lot of money to feed everyone. We’re thinking appetizers-only. How would this be worded on the invitation so our guests would know?

Hors d’oeuvre receptions are a lot of fun if they’re done well. Hang on here – I’m going on a slight tangent.

My concern here is not the wording but that you’re expecting to feed 170 guests on less than 6 bucks per head. Anonymous, that’s unreasonable even if you do only appetizers & non-alcoholic drinks or go 100% DIY.

Let’s do some math here. 4 pm is close to meal time so your guests through the course of a 4-hour reception will get pretty hungry.

• You’ll need about 6 – 8 appetizers per person per hour. A 4 hour event x 6 appetizers x 170 people = 4080 appetizers.
• You can count on about 5 drinks per person during that time; 850 beverages, minimum. (5 drinks x 170 people.)

You have $1000. So, if you can work in appetizers at an unheard of cost of $0.20 per appetizer, for example, you’ll spend $816.00, which leaves $184 for beverages, about $0.21 per drink. None of this includes plates, napkins, cups, etc. This is just food & non-alcohol bev.

Please, please, please revisit your plans and budget. I know you’re on a tight budget but that’s no excuse not to treat your guests well. Perhaps a pot-luck dinner would be a better option for you? Or cut the guest list dramatically so that you can spend a more realistic amount on food and drinks.

I’m not saying this to bring you down, I’m looking out for you and your guests here.

As for wording, on the reception card or at the end of your invite wording: “Cocktail reception and dancing to follow at….” would be fine.