DIY Bride™

Hey DIYers!

We’re oh-so-curious about your weddings! Not only do we get a peek into what real DIYers are doing, it helps us out in bringing the right projects and inspiration to our readers.

What kind of venue(s) are you using for your ceremony and reception? Church, garden, airplane hangar, museum, other? Please share!

Maybe it’s because I’ve been to so many weddings. Maybe it’s because I’m one of the last of my friends to get married and I’ve now been a bridesmaid several times over…I’ve been inside the eye of the storm. Maybe it’s just a silly, harmless little term we should all just ignore. All I know is that I’m thrilled to be getting married and terrified of becoming Bridezilla.

Who exactly is Bridezilla? Though she has probably existed for a long time, she was discovered (and nurtured) by reality television. Think steamroller in a white dress. Think Medusa in a veil. Think Godzilla with a smaller waistline. We’ve all seen her, and she’s scary. She hurts other people’s feelings, she makes a fool out of herself. She builds whole mountain ranges out of molehills.

The real question is: does she live somewhere inside all of us? I’m not a dramatic person. I’m not confrontational. I consider myself to be rather “chill” in most social situations. And, yet, I wonder what this wedding process might bring out in me. At first, I worried about it so much that I developed a kind of planning paralysis.

I have the fiancé of my dreams, and I’m generally excited to celebrate this love I thought I might never find. But there was a serious hesitation. It seems, from the reactions of friends and acquaintances, that I might be the only engaged woman in the universe who didn’t immediately run out and purchase a truckload of bridal magazines after receiving the ring. One night, I came home to find three of them fanned out stylishly on the kitchen counter. They were purchased with love by my fiancé. (A hint perhaps?) Still, it took me a few days before I could crack open that first one.

The theory I loosely adopted was that if I didn’t have a plan, there wasn’t anything I could get too upset about. This kept my fears at bay for a while. After about three months, I realized that if we didn’t have a plan, we probably wouldn’t have a wedding, either. So we went ahead and found a venue and identified date. It’s the only event space we looked at and it’s exactly what we wanted: sparse, cost-effective, loft-like, with the Manhattan skyline in the background. The place even has built-in bookshelves.

Then, we (or I should say I) stalled some more.

What disturbed me was that once we had a space, I began to have certain fantasies about how to fill that space and how to fill our time within it. But what if my fiancé didn’t want the same things? What if we couldn’t afford what we wanted? What if what we wanted came to fruition but then flopped? What if I ended up punching someone or frothing at the mouth? I had this horrible image of myself stomping my foot, and whining like a child, something I was not even prone to doing when I was four years old.

Again, it just seemed a lot easier to do nothing. I kept my ideas to myself like a squirrel hoarding precious nuts. When asked, we justified our dillydallying by telling people that we were just enjoying being engaged. This was true. But people who were sincerely interested in helping or just plain curious, started asking us so many questions that we have been gradually impelled to tentatively take some further steps.

I was afraid I might fall in love with a ridiculously expensive dress then throw a violent in-store tantrum upon realizing I couldn’t afford it. In fact, I didn’t even allow myself to try on gowns above a certain price. With the help of my mom and a few friends, I found a discount dress with an excellent silhouette. I’m unsure about the beading so I might rip it off and replace it with something else, a project I’m looking forward to. Likewise, we were concerned that staying in Manhattan would be too costly for our guests, so we went on our own little hotel tour in search of nice lodging at reasonable prices. In fact, we found a perfect one and secured a block rooms.

Still keeping a few of those dreamy wedding nuts to myself, I began wonder how much this wedding process foreshadows how your marriage will work. On one hand, I feared that my fiancé and I might start flinging plates at each other’s heads over something as silly as flower choices, and on the other, I didn’t want to feel as if I was therefore sheepishly self-censoring. That’s not what I’m about either. Would it really be so hard to communicate and keep level heads?

All I could do was try. Time was (and is) ticking. When I suggested that I thought it would be cool to have a bagpiper play while guests are arriving, his reaction was indeed extreme: he practically jumped out of his skin with excitement, and we booked a piper within an hour. Together, we designed some save-the-date cards with clipart I found online and printed them out at Kinkos. We joked about having a cake decorated with oreo cookies, and now have two tastings of oreo cakes set up at the end of the month. When he suggested something I originally didn’t want – i.e. including some religious icons in an otherwise secular ceremony – I braced myself, half-expecting that my head would start spinning around á la The Exorcist. It was a relief to simply agree and genuinely believe that if it would make his family feel more comfortable then it was important.

The weird thing is that even though organizing all of this so far has eaten up a lot of time, it’s been way more fun than I anticipated. In fact, things seem suspiciously smooth. Thankfully, my inner Bridezilla hasn’t appeared…yet. I haven’t sprouted fangs or even considered tackling anybody.

But wow, there’s still a lot left to do and only four months to do it. Glimpsing at a few of those wedding timelines provided by bridal mags confirms that we are woefully, almost laughably, behind the curve. There are all kinds of loose ends (and we probably don’t even know what all those loose ends are).

As we plan to do our own flowers, invitations, programs, and place cards, I still can’t shake the feeling that Bridezilla is lurking somewhere in there, perhaps crouching inside one of those very projects. I wonder what form she’ll take? How would I fight her off? With laughter? Deep breathing? Throw champagne in her face? Maybe we should just shake hands and I’ll introduce her to our guests. After all, I’ve heard that it’s good to keep your enemies close.

About The Author: Jocelyn Jane Cox is a staff writer for Manhattan’s uppereast.com and writes the regular Upper East Side Informer blog: http://uppereastsideinformer.blogspot.com/ .

I’m curious about what foods you’re serving your guests at your reception. What’s on your menu? Are you DIYing any of the food?

I absolutely love it when readers share the details of their DIY weddings! Elka from CasaSugar was kind enough to share two slideshows with us from her bridal shower and wedding. Both are casual, unique events that are beautiful and environmentally-friendly to boot.

Garden Bridal Shower

Elka’s Wedding

My normally optimistic economic outlook has slid to the side of extreme caution this year. Record fuel prices, increases in food/living costs, the housing crisis, rising consumer debt, and big jumps in job losses are all indicators that the economy is in trouble. Having weathered the dot com bust in the Silicon Valley a while ago, I know that there are forces beyond your control that can utterly destroy your financial security in mere months.

For those of you currently in the planning stages, it’s of great importance that you step back and start preparing for troubled economic times ahead. I don’t think it’s all doom ‘n gloom on the horizon but I do think precautionary measures are needed for the coming months.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Get your personal finances in order NOW. While the wedding is an important event, you must put your financial, physical, and mental well-being at the top of your priority list. You can start doing things right now that will protect you during times of economic uncertainty so that you can still have a wonderful wedding and a great life after the big day – even in tough economic times.

• Pay off high interest and revolving consumer debt (credit cards) as soon as you can. A $5000 credit card debt at 14.9% interest will take 78 months (over 6 years!) to pay off with a minimum $100/month payment. The less debt you have, the less worry, and the less vulnerable you are in times of uncertainty.
• Start a personal emergency fund if you don’t have one in place. The general rule for emergency funds is to have enough cash to cover your basic expenses (rent/mortgage, food, utilities) for 3 – 6 months. You need to take care of yourself! This is not for wedding expenses, movie tickets or anything else but basic survival.
• Establish a spending plan for your personal expenses. Don’t be afraid of this! Creating a budget – and sticking to it – is, hands-down, one of the smartest things you can do for your financial well-being. Living within your means is healthy, sane, and the best thing you can do for yourself.
• Cut back on unnecessary spending. Do you really need a $4 Starbuck’s fix? ($4 per day x 20 days = $80/month in coffee.) All the little extras and treats add up quickly. You needn’t go cold turkey. Just cut back or go for less expensive alternatives.
• Create an open dialog about money with your fiance(e). Honestly talk about your financial goals with each other. It’s absolutely of the utmost importance to know what the financial priorities, fears, and habits are of each partner before the wedding. When you’re both on the same page and have shared goals, it’s easier to create a healthy financial future together. You’ll also be better prepared to should anything happen to your jobs or financial situation.

2. Be wedding smart. Weddings (and wedding planning) are such emotionally charged events, it’s easy to get caught up in the romance and fantasy of it all. But, bubble burster that I am, I’m here to remind you that the wedding is just a small part of this experience. There’s a very serious side to weddings that involves legally-binding contracts, balancing large budgets, and maintaining the physical wellbeing and comfort of 150 of your nearest and dearest for 6 hours.

• Together with your partner prioritize what’s important to each (and both) of you for your wedding day and allocate your funds accordingly. I know this is hard but don’t let anyone else influence what you spend your budget on. Family and friends sometimes impose their opinions and wishes. They likely don’t mean any harm but, ultimately, this is your celebration. Not your mom’s. NNot your BFF’s. Not your planner’s. Not your DJ’s. This is your financial future at stake.  It’s perfectly ok to set firm, clear boundaries.
• Just because you have a $30,000 budget doesn’t mean you must spend $30,000 on a wedding day. There’s absolutely no shame in small- or mid-range budget weddings, no matter what’s being advertised to you. Small budget doesn’t equate tacky or that you’re not “measuring up” in any way. Get those thoughts out of your head right now! Spend only what’s in your financial comfort zone and what you can afford on your own.  (And thank you, Liene, for introducing me to the concept of the Financial Comfort Zone.)
• Don’t go into debt for any wedding expenses. I’ve written about the perils of this before (from personal experience) and want every engaged couple to know that getting into deep debt for what’s essentially a big party is just plain financial stupidity. Sounds harsh, I know, but this is coming from someone who had a solid financial plan and the best intentions for getting out of debt fast but got caught in a downturn in the economy (dot com crash). It took years to rebound  from that. Years, people.
• Don’t count on outside sources to fund your wedding. Things are getting tight all over. Getting a personal loan will be harder as banks are starting to tighten their belts. Credit card companies are offering fewer credit line increases at low/affordable rates and newer cards are coming with higher APRs. While mom & dad may have offered a generous sum several months ago, their financial situation may as perilous as anyone else’s right now. Stock prices are dropping, the housing market is a mess, job security is … you get the idea. What was once a surplus may totally disappear in the coming months.
• Choose vendors and venues wisely. In times of economic trouble businesses feel financial pressures, too. They’re trying to survive just as much as you are.  Knowing a bit about your vendors is key. How long has the vendor/venue been around? Have they weathered economic storms before? While you’re not going to be privy to their financial statements, you can ask around about their reputation. The wedding industry is small. Word gets around fast when someone is in trouble or is a monumental pain in the arse. Some warning signs to look out for: deep discounts that are out of line with their normal prices, severely undercutting the competition, poor customer service (not returning calls, evasive answers to simple questions, hostility), recent staff reductions, vague or odd contract wording (or willingness/desire to work without a contract), recent bad press.
• Get everything in writing. Everything. While it may not prevent disasters from happening (like a disappearing vendor), having a signed contract and/or a receipt may help you recoup some or all of your expenses when things go bad. Without documentation, you’re pretty much screwed when it comes time to pursue legal recourse or to fight credit card charges. And, I have to add this — READ THE FINE PRINT BEFORE YOU SIGN ANYTHING. Look for cancellation policies, hidden fees, anything that makes you liable for damage/expenses.
• Don’t be afraid to shop around for the best bargains on goods and services. A little research and some time spent bargain shopping will serve you well. Become an expert in craft supply sale schedules at your local craft stores, negotiate prices with your vendors (please note that there are good and bad ways to do this – we’ll discuss in a future post), and don’t feel bad buying sale items.
• Scale back. While a totally blinged-out 300 guest Preston Bailey-inspired affair is your dreeeeaaaaam, you’re not going to get it on a $15,000 (or even $50k) budget. Go for quality and not quantity in every aspect of your wedding from guest list to meal selections to favor to flowers to… everything.
• Do more DIY – if you can handle it. Going DIY is often a great way to save some cash if you have the time and patience to take on some of the projects yourself. Handmade means you have creative control and budget control. You’re not locked into any set prices or quantities so you can scale back or totally revise the project as necessary. Don’t overwhelm yourself, though! DIY does take time, money, and patience.
• What’s your worst case scenario plan? Do you have one? I know planning is stressful enough without dwelling on “what ifs” BUT it’s important to know your options. Get together with your partner and talk about alternative wedding plans. If one of your loses your job or promised cash disappears or a vendor goes belly up, what can you do to minimize your loses and still get hitched?
• Invest in wedding insurance. This is one thing you can do to help protect yourselves at a minimum cost. Beware, though! Not all wedding insurance policies are the same. Read the fine print before you sign a policy.

The ever-wonderful OffBeatBride.Com just posted a recent interview with me about my book and about the current state of the DIY wedding world. (Thanks, Ariel!)

One of Ariel’s questions, “How do you suggest combating the “DIY-er than thou” frenzy that some crafty brides work themselves into?“, has been on my mind quite a bit. It’s certainly been the topic of several conversations I’ve had with both industry pros and brides lately. I honestly don’t have a good answer.

I really want to talk with you about it.  With all of the incredible DIY projects and how-to info coming online, does it help inspire you or does it cause more frustration? Are you feeling the pressure to be more crafty/original/indie/offbeat/xyz? How are you dealing with all of that? Or does it bother you at all?

I’m really curious if you’re experiencing what I think you’re going through. And I’m even more curious what advice you would give to others who might be feeling bad about not feeling/being crafty enough.

Here’s a quick poll. Please feel free to leave comments, too.

After my “About My Wedding” post a few days ago, I’ve received several emails asking what I’d change about my registry. (I had no idea registries were such a hot topic.)

I’m kinda squeamish about registries. The idea of telling my guests what to give me still makes me a bit uncomfy. I know, as a guest, they’re tremendously helpful. (As an aside, some of the gifts we loved the most were not on our list at all.)

Registries are a tricky thing because you’re selecting items that are in season now that are supposed to fit into your lifestyle/decor/living space for years to come. Unless you have a crystal ball, there’s no way you’ll be able to predict what your housewares and decor styles/needs will be in X years from now. And that’s ok. Pick what you love right now and enjoy the gifts.

What We Did Right

There are some things from our registry that we absolutely hit a run with. We’re still using our Anolon cookware and Henckels cutlery, 7 years after our wedding. Extremely satisfied with both. Our Kitchen Aid blender has served us well. Glass and metal mixing bowl sets from Crate & Barrel have been terrific and sturdy.

What We Would’ve Changed

• Cut back on the gadgets. We have more doohickies and thingamajigs than you can shake a whisk at. I love gadgets but we ended up with a lot of specialty tools that we don’t use and that are taking up precious space in our small apartment (or that were never used and donated to Goodwill).
• Cut out a lot of frivolous stuff. Related to the point above, we put things on our registry that we really didn’t need but added anyway because they were (a) at low prices points, (b) they looked cool, or (c) because they were on a list of “must haves” that we got from some wedding magazine or wherever. (This includes gadgets, duplicates sets of anything, special glassware, bar stuff, linens, decorative kitchen stuff …)
• Added more basic-but-pretty serving dishes. We entertain far more than we ever thought we would and had to add a lot of serving stuff to our supplies very quickly post-wedding.
• Never, ever asked for any vases. We ended up with 15 or 16 billion of them. (A slight exaggeration.)
• Put a registry for charity somewhere. I don’t remember if places like the I Do Foundationexisted in 2000, but I sure would’ve created a way for our guests to donate charitably. My DH just reminded me we did ask for donations to the cancer society as an option in lieu of gifts. No one did donate (that we’re aware of.)

Those are the major things we learned soon after the wedding that we would’ve changed. The short answer is we would’ve edited the list to our most basic needs and things that we absolutely lusted for that fit into our space and lifestyle. If we could’ve had that crystal ball we would’ve added a Kitchen Aid stand mixer, some quality tools for the grill, and some basic linens that could be transitioned from season-to-season. For non-household stuff, we would’ve registered for camping/outdoor gear.

Not earth-shattering, uber-fascinating info, is it? But you asked and, well, there ya go.