An Open Letter From Your Bridesmaid
[DIY Bride welcomes guest posts about DIY projects, weddings, and wedding-related issues. Today's post was submitted by "Jennifer" (not her real name), a bridesmaid in 3 weddings in 2011-2012. We generally require our guests to use their real names in posts but will, on occasion, allow a non de plume as we've done today. Warning: there is profanity in this post.]
Dear Bride,
When you asked me to be your bridesmaid, I was flattered you asked me and was genuinely excited to part of this experience with you. It’s one of the most important days of your life and that you chose me to stand with you as witness to this sacred event is an honor. At least it was until the devil of the wedding underworld possessed your soul and erased all sense of reality and compassion from your being.
I hate the world “bridezilla” because (a) it’s a dumb cliche and (b) it does not begin to touch on how horrible you can be around with all this wedding stuff. Someone needs to tell some things about you and your wedding. Think of this as your exorcism.
1. I am excited about your wedding and love hearing about the details but NOT ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Every conversation we have ends up being about your wedding. I realize it’s all-consuming for you to plan such a big, important day that’s still 9 months away. Let me say this: YOUR obsession is not MY obsession. Can we talk about Real Housewives or funny stuff at work or how my mom is doing after her 2nd chemotherapy session? I’m sure figuring out how many cocktail napkins to order or whether registering at Pottery Barn is better than Crate and Barrel is troublesome but I can’t relate. And, honestly, I don’t care. I know that hurts to hear but none of that really matters to me. I want to know if you’re happy (did you get that promotion at work?) if there’s anything I can help with within my means (more on that later) and to share what’s going on in my life – like we’ve always done up until the day you got engaged. The minutiae of your wedding planning: yawn. It’s ok to blow off steam and talk about that stuff every once in a while but not EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION we have during the next 12 months.
2. You did NOT just ask me to color my hair, grow it out, lose some weight, whiten my teeth, get a spray tan, or tone up my arms, did you?!?! If you want a model or a clothes hanger, get a mannequin and leave me out of it. I’m not an accessory to your color scheme or your bridal outfit, got it? I’m a human being, presumably your friend, please remember that. Don’t ask me to alter my body to be a part of your wedding. You’re an asshole if you do and nothing will change that. Ever.
3. Speaking of clothing, please pick something that’s flattering on all of our bodies. I feel so bad for the plus-size girl you have in our party because she always get screwed in the flattery department. I’m glad the size 2 girl looks smashing in that pretty little gown you picked and, yes, it’s your dream bridesmaid gown since you saw it 9 days ago on StyleMePretty and it’s the perfect style to compliment your country chic theme, but on the rest of us – the sizes 8/10, 12, 14, and 18 – it’s not a good choice at all. Pick something else.
4. No, $250 plus alterations for a gown I will wear once is not an option. And, hell no, no matter how much you try to convince me I can “totally wear it again like at a New Year’s Eve bash!”, it’s totally not going to happen. You want me to wear a $250+ gown? YOU pay for it.
5. Unless we actually live in Vegas, a bachelorette party in Sin City is also not an option unless YOU pay for it.
6. Listen, being part of your big day is expensive to me. Dress, shoes, accessories, bridal shower, bachelorette party, hair/makeup, day-of stuff equals big bucks on my part. *I* don’t have a $25,000 budget for your wedding. I have my own financial commitments that preclude me spending $1,695 to be a bridesmaid (average cost per WeddingChannel.com) on YOUR big day. $1,695 would totally pay off my credit card plus two car payments. Or rent + utilities + food for an entire month. Think about that. Seriously, very seriously, think about the expense you expect your me to shell out before you start making grandiose plans for MY money. Don’t be pissed when I politely bow out of some activities or expenses because I refuse to go into debt for any part of your wedding. You can call me a bitch if you want as long as you call me a financially responsible one.
7. Let’s talk about the DIY stuff. I’m not a crafter. You know this. You’ve even laughed at me for my non-DIY ways like the time I called over a neighbor to nail in a picture hook because I was too nervous to hammer anything into my wall. So, yeah, when I come over to help with your projects don’t get in a snit because I’m not doing it right. Or if I volunteer to bring drinks and snacks or plates and cups to our “craft party” instead of being on the assembly line. I can stuff a envelope with flair or make a kick ass cosmo and tell great stories but beading/sewing/painting/stamping is not something you really want me to do because I don’t want to do it.
8. And speaking of crafts and expectations: it’s ok to ask me if I want to help and give me options on the things to volunteer for. Demanding or expecting me to create your whole freaking wedding with you is way out of line. I’m not free labor to be summoned at your will. My free time is precious to me and I don’t want to give up a whole weekend working on your wedding projects. I really don’t. I will, however, devote a few hours every now and then when it’s convenient for me to give you a hand because I love ya and truly want to be helpful. Another thing: give your helpers credit. I’m seeing too much of this “oggle my totally handmade wedding” B.S. that doesn’t mention 99.9% of the stuff was made by the bride’s friends and family.
9. Crafts and expectations, part deux: get your shit together ahead of time. Your inability to plan ahead should not equal panic on my part. Order your supplies, get the instructions in hand, and know well ahead of time how long a project requires to finish before it comes down to the wire. I’m never, ever going to stay up until 2:00 am on the day of the wedding assembling programs with you because, OMG guys!, you realized at 8pm that you forgot to pick up the pages at the printers and they closed at 6pm so you had to run to Office Max to get a new home printer and, wouldn’t ya know, you don’t have the right print driver for your laptop so it’s 11 pm by the time you’re done printing and we can start assembling. /rant
10. Don’t forget to have fun and be in love. I’ve been watching you torture yourself (and those around you) with the stress of putting on The Greatest Wedding on Earth for the last few months and you’re unbearable to be around. It’s not just incessant wedding talk, it’s the snarkiness, the constant indecision, the forgetfulness, the financial strain, the pressure on your awesome independent guy to turn into a male clone of you, the neglecting of your other relationships and the things you once enjoyed being replaced with this fantasy day you’re obsessed with. I miss you and want you back with sanity intact. Come back soon.
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So, being a bridesmaid myself for 3 weddings, I can sorta understand where this chick is coming from, but honestly…it sounds more like she just shouldn’t be a bridesmaid. Yeah, brides can get super stressed out about things— and maybe the brides she’s been a bridesmaid for are complete bitches– but the comments about not caring about the wedding, not wanting to help, etc…maybe you shouldn’t just be a bridesmaid if you really don’t want to be involved in the stuff other than standing up front.
As much as I hate to say it, the wedding is about the couple— not the bridesmaids. So if my bride needs me to tie 200 tulle bags of hershey kisses until 2 a.m., I’m going to do it. However, I only accept bridesmaid invitations from people I am willing to do said things for. Is that dress not the most flattering on me? Maybe. But it’s HER photos, not mine. If she can stand looking at my flabby arms in the pictures she’s going to be looking at for the rest of her life, then that’s her choice. My choice is to be a supportive friend and care about her.
Again, maybe she has the bride from hell. But the way this came across didn’t really come across effectively. Kinda made you look like a bad friend, honestly.
I mean…after all, the origin of bridesmaids was to trick evil spirits or ill-wishers to curse the bridesmaids instead of cursing the bride by wearing identical outfits. If that doesn’t say super awesome, self-less friend then I don’t know what does.
I absolutely agree with you on a lot of these issues, but are you sure you really WANT to be her bridesmaid? Stress and emotions come with planning a wedding, and what is giving up ONE weekend gonna hurt? She’ll never forget that you did it for her.
Well said Brielle and coloradokatie. Yes, a few things mentioned were true but the rest of it just sounded like a jealous and selfish person. Don’t accept being a bridesmaid if you can’t accept the duties and planning that go along with it.
I do not agree with Brielle, coloradokatie and Sammy. Not at all. Sure, the day should be about the couple but that gives noone the right to 1. ask this ridiculous amount of money from anyone attending the wedding, 2. make you wear something you feel completely horrible in or 3. completely forget about all other things and persons in her life and be a bitch about it.
What’s the point in having an amazing, super-expensive weddig when you don’t have any friends left afterwards?
The worst point in my opinion is btw “the pressure on your awesome independent guy to turn into a male clone of you”. A wedding is about the COUPLE and celebrating THEIR love, not about only the bride and about everybody bowing to her wish. I would never dream of forcing anything on my fiance, wedding-related things are decided together. As it should be.
So, well said, Jennifer.
I agree with the first 3 comments!
You don’t sound like you like weddings at all, let alone like being in & apart of one.
& that’s fine for you. You may not see the point in the money spent on details & making things beautiful, you may prefer it to be solely about the couples love & commitment which really requires nothing more than a registery office. Married. Done. Can we talk about me now?
A wedding is all consuming for the months leading up to the day, & it should be in my option because other than having children, it’s the most important decision in your life. It should be a HUGE deal. Not ‘yep we’re getting married, where did you buy that shirt?’ If you don’t value marriage the same way your friend does then you probably should not be a bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid comes with duties. Not just standing in the photos looking pretty. If you are not willing to do those duties & be truely happy for your friend & smile through months of wedding talk while privately thinking ‘this to shall pass’ without making an issue out of it – then don’t be a bridesmaid! The friendship will suffer more by you being a unhappy & unsupportive bridesmaid then by you saying you have to unfortunately decline because your not up to the role & all that comes with it.
I don’t think the letter writer doesn’t like weddings or shouldn’t be a bridesmaid, I think she needed to vent, and made some really valid points, my favourite being about lack of planning on your part doesn’t induce panic on mine. Being in a wedding party should be fun, and yes, definitely, everyone’s comfort level and body type should come into account clothing wise, because everyone will be happier, and IT WILL SHOW. People can tell when someone hates what they’re wearing.
I totally resented spending $1000 dollars on my friend’s wedding when I was a student and could barely afford toothpaste, being guilted into participating in every aspect (SIX bridal showers, where I was lectured at one for not bringing a gift) by not only the bride, but other fully employed (ie. not students) bridesmaids, even though the bride assured me at the beginning it wouldn’t be like that. Incidentally, five years later, they’re STILL paying off one day of their life. Was it worth it? Really?
Yes, maybe the writer in question should not have said yes, but the bride in question sounds like a nightmare. The conversation part is akin to when your friends have their first kid and all they seem to be able to have a conversation about is sh*t and vomit. That’s fine, with other mothers, I guess but I am not a mother, I likely never will be, and I don’t want to hear about it. Trust me, their kid is not the first to take a dump the size of a quarter pounder with cheese, and really, no one cares wedding wise if the flowers match the napkins match the table runners match the shoes match the headband on the flower girl match the cuff links and the lipstick, for gawd sake, blah blah blah, and when people receive your letterpress embossed invitations that you spent $700 dollars on, they look at it, mark the date, and put it pile of things to sort and don’t think about it again until they find it under a pile of stuff 8 months after the fact.
The only “duty” of a bridesmaid is to stand by you on your wedding day. Bridesmaids aren’t photo props, Barbie dolls or Martha Stewart. If your bridesmaid is considerate (and DIY savvy) enough to help you, then that’s awesome…. But there is no law that dictates what bridesmaids do and do not do and I think it’s very presumptuous of any bride to assume otherwise.
I’ve been on both sides. I’m a former bride, a member of the wedding industry, and have been in several weddings in the last few years. My stresses and DIY projects for our wedding was just that: my stresses, and my projects. I was grateful for my friends and family that volunteered their time to help, but never expected or demanded they do so.
Most recently, I was asked to stop trying to conceive so I wouldn’t be a pregnant bridesmaid. Yes, that’s right, I was asked to put my personal life ON HOLD by my so-called best friend. We are no longer on speaking g terms. And, even more recently, a family member asked me to step down from her wedding party because I WAS pregnant. Is there some stigma about pregnant bridesmaids? I’m starting to get a complex here..
So, ladies, it’s not about hating weddings or having a chip on your shoulder. It’s about your friends and family treating you like a photo prop and servant.
Wowser!
I was recently worried about expecting too much from my bridesmaids, until a friend revealed that her sister had asked her to reshape her eyebrows and do boot camp before being her bridesmaid. Oh, and that bride completely replanted the church garden so it was just how she wanted. Yeah, so I felt better after that.
I’ve being doing my own DIY – I am doing it because it’s important to me and I know I’ll do it how I want it to be done. Not many of my friends craft, and I don’t expect my bridesmaids to magically transform. Another friend who won’t be able to make it to our wedding offered to do some craft for me – I gave her a million options to withdraw her offer – and yet she magically delivered completed craft to me WITHIN A WEEK! And I can’t believe how lucky I am. But I would have never asked her to do it!
You know, I can totally understand this bridesmaid’s consternation on a lot of these topics. Yes, a bride needs to plan everything out if she expects her friends to help. Yes, she needs to understand that while her life may be focused on this one event, life is moving on for everyone else, and it’s important to take a moment and maintain those bridges.
However, I WILL say something about the bridesmaid dresses issue: honey, I TRIED the “choose your own dress and feel beautiful first” approach and everyone STILL wanted to go to David’s Bridal to find something matching, and NO ONE was happy with anyone else’s dress, let alone their own! Even when encouraging your friends to just find something they like, I still got the ever-present nagging of “but it has to MATCH” FROM THEM! The problem was that no one wanted to feel as though they were the “odd person out” from the rest, so please do bear with the bride who has to bite the bullet and nail something down, for better or worse!
Dear DIY Bride,
You have just turned me off of your site by posting this rant. There are better ways to convey how the worst of a stressed bride may trickle down to her maids or matrons, whether it be in last-minute demands for crafts or with compromises with finding coordinating garments for real women’s bodies. Finding solutions to problems may be done gracefully with the proper guidance, none of which is present in this post. Please address your audience with positive solutions and help preserve those valuable friendships that formed the bridal party in the first place.
Thank you.
I think this was an absolutely awesome post. The fact of the matter is that brides put huge amounts of pressure on their friends and family during the planning stages. I’m getting married in 8 months and throughout the last two months I’ve had to make a concerted effort to ensure that I don’t smother every conversation in my own “wedding bliss”. Brides let weddings get away with them.
I am very lucky to have a maid of honour who is honest and down-to-earth. I think that the very frustrated bridesmaid in this post should have had a chat to the bride long before it got to this point, which would either have solved many issues, or created a drama of infinite proportions.
I think both brides and bridesmaids can take a lesson or two from this post…
Brides: Realise that although your wedding is one of the biggest days in your life (don’t forget the birth of your first child is still to come)… life still happens around you, and you need to be considerate of that (myself included).
Bridesmaids: Be honest. You’re a close friend, otherwise you wouldn’t be a bridesmaid. You owe it to yourself and your friend to speak up before the explosion happens.
At the end of the day, everyone wants the wedding to be a happy occassion. Rather enjoy the journey to the day
Whoever the writer is, she is preachin’ to the choir! Let me just say for all the people who are not feelin’ what the writer has to say, A) I don’t care what bridesmaids used to do CENTURIES ago, I was a bridesmaid for the past two years in modern day times. Personally, people putting curses on who they thought was the bride is a lot less stressful than what bridesmaids have to go through today. The selfish expecations and demands of many bridesmaids are absolutely ridiculous. I have no problem going to a shower or two, but to send me nasty messages from the bride and her in laws cause I couldn’t make it to one… let me put it this way, NOT ACCEPTABLE. My planned schedule is NOT going to be moved to a convenient time for you, cause oh wait- it isn’t a convenient time for me. I will do what I can within my means, but to put pressure on me to buy a dress WAY out of my budget when I have BILLS to pay… again, NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am NOT a bank… and no, my name is NOT Bill Gates. For those who think that the writer isn’t a good friend or shouldn’t be a bridesmaid cause she is selfish… darn tootin’ she is selfish- WITH HER MONEY AND HER TIME!! And NO, it does NOT mean that she cares any less for her friend cause she doesn’t want to talk wedding this or wedding that, all the time. It means, that she has her own life and maybe, she herself has a few things on her plate that she would love to share, but the bride is too obssessed with the wedding day. And for the love of everything that is good in this world, the wedding is JUST A DAY!! Let us for a moment observe what brides are freaking out about- the caterng, diy ideas, her future in laws, other bridesmaids that the bride feels arent’ pulling “their weight”, hair and make up, what songs should be played out on the dance floor… blah, blah, blah. I’m an upcoming bride, and let me tell you, I got a momma that will beat me senseless before I start obsessing over all that crap because what should be at the forefront is the COMMITMENT! Whether my fiance and I go to city hall or have 100 guests witness our commitment, the fact of the matter is is that I am supposed to be talking about commitment and marriage WAY more than a wedding day and the small insignificant details that go along with it. The big misconcepetion here is that brides are allowed to be as bossy as they want because it is “their” day and they should be allowed this day… what about the groom? Sorry, I don’t hear horror stories about grooms, NEARLY as much as I do about the brides. My obsession being a bride is that I am commiting to a man that I love, who is my best friend in front of our closest family and friends. I DO NOT want to be a finacial burden on any of my bridesmaids… I care about how they are doing… and I get excited to JUST hang out with them… not talk wedding, but really see how they are doing, cause oh wait- friendships come from BOTH sides. I hate when people try to make a bridesmaid seem like a witch… feel free to swap a constant in there. It is just a poor excuse allowing brides to have rude and selfish behaviours.